Asterix Reds 1 USJ 0 (Cup)

Not a classic, but a deserved 1-0 win with Jonesy incredibly scoring with his penis in the last minute of the game. I kid you not, he 'knobbed' it in the back of the onion bag. The rest of the game can be described as a battle. I can never compare sport to the trenches of WW1, but we got a very small taster of what it may have been like today. I myself am nursing trench foot at this very moment. It was a quagmire in the first half, and we were playing against a team that will undoubtedly be in the top flight in a couple of seasons. Ian Quirk got a deserved MOM as he battled like a trojan in the centre of the park and POM, well, this is contentious. I mean Keith fell down the stairs at the start of the game which got the ball rolling. Then there was Jonesy, auditioning for a part as a German Infantry soldier getting shot in the second half, Sweeney for his kick off in the first half etc etc etc. However, a man that was not even there today gets the nod. Mr Stu Cavens for giving the excuse of not coming to the game as he was shopping with his gay interior designer.
Last but not least, do you remember that Orangutan that very kindly took the place of one of the linesmen in that match many moons ago. Well, he turned up again today and brought his mate with him who very kindly offered to referee the game as the actual ref had to pull out.

Asterix Reds 6 DHFC 0 ( League)

Scuse if this is a short match report but this computer is playing up. I may as well be writing it up on a ZX81. 6-0 and Shaun Sweeney as deserved MOM bagged a hat trick. Hats off to the man. His positional play is second to none and a blind man could find him on the park with a sense of knowledge for the game. Also, hats off to Yogesh who popped up in the right place at the right time to notch a brace. Keep your hats on for Adam however, who was nutmegged twice by the 60 year old centre back and gets a harsh POW but he did find the back of the onion bag, which makes his award even harsher. DHFC are a strange team. There is no way we are 6 goals better than them but they seem to lack penetration and pace. They have some good players. Perhaps they need some Crystal Meth to pep them up before the game. Bloody hell this computer is really slow. I may as well be playing Horace and the Spiders on it. Time to go!

Asterix Reds 5 - Kepong Chinese 3 (Cup)

Our second cup game saw us see off Kepong Chinese 5-3, but we made it difficult for ourselves!

Ending up with only a bare 11 we had several players playing out of position, most noticeably Adam playing left mid and Mark Howland right mid. 

We started the game very poorly and conceded two sloppy goals almost identical to those BM nicked against us a few weeks ago. Two long straight balls over the top leaving their striker one-on-one with big Keith. Clearly the two incidents knackered Keith who proceeded to send Bala to fetch the ball everytime it went behind the goal!

After our disastrous start we composed ourselves and started to play some decent football. We got the first back thanks to a stunning strike from Mark Howland, who despite having a mile of space decided he'd better strike the ball first time. Who can argue with the results?

By this point we were really in charge of the tie and despite the referees best efforts we grabbed the equalizer. Some quick thinking from Mark Howland found Shaun Sweeney at the front post from a quick corner, Sweeney managed to slot the ball home from a tight angle. 

Half-time 2-2. We talked about keeping things simple and playing our football. We were bossing them and felt like we couldn't lose the game at this point. Again we had to have a chat about keeping our composure with the referee as we were starting to get a little wound up by his laughable decisions. 

We started the second half well and were never really under pressure. We went ahead when yogesh was brought down by a clumsy challenge in the box. Once Sweeney had wrestled the ball from Mr Scott he slotted the pen away comfortably. 3-2

By this point we were really growing in confidence. We started to push forward and look for the fourth. We got caught on a bit of a counter attack that resulted in a corner. From the cross their striker placed a bullet/looping 15 foot header in under the cross bar, there was a shout of 'keepers' but to be honest their were at least 10 players closer to the ball than our big man in goal! 3-3.

We did well to recover from this as this was completely against the run of play. Thankfully Bala had decided enough was enough and ventured forward with a fantastic surge towards the opponents penalty box, most centre backs would get a nose bleed in this situation (as demonstrated by Jonesy a few minutes later), but not Bala, he calmly looked up and played a simple pass to Yogesh to tap in our fourth. A few minutes later Mark Howland got on the scoresheet again with a great right-footed strike from just inside the box to seal the game 5-3.

The game was summed up when one of the Kepong players put in a disgustingly late stamp on me and was rightly shown a straight red. 

P.O.W goes to Keith! Sorry big man but I wasn't the only one to comment on the headed goal, but what really gave it to ya was making Bala do the running for the goal kicks!

M.O.M I give my vote to Mark Howland for a solid performance, two goals and a piece of quick thinking at a vital time in the match.

Asterix Reds 0 Club Nine 2 (Friendly)

Quite possibly the least enjoyable game of football that I have ever had the misfortune to play in. We started off playing very nice football in the first 15 minutes and then the heavens opened. The referee could have easily called the pitch unplayable after about 10 minutes of the downpour but we played on. The pitch was completely waterlogged and the frustration showed as the game became a joke. I am not going to waste too many words on this one so I will list the main points;
* They scored two goals on the break in the first half.
* I got yellow carded
* They had a boy sent off.
I am going to take the unusual decision of giving Penis of the Week to their boy who got sent off. Not only did he go face to face with the ref after being sent off but tried to kick it off with the officials after the game. A truly momentus moment in his lifetime goal of reaching 'uberknob' status. MOM - well, it is probably not possible to give this! Unless we change the word 'man' to 'muppet'.